Thursday, May 7, 2009

Ocean of the unknown

I begin another year of my life today in the midst of several transitions. It will be a year characterized by re-s: regrouping, reinventing, relocating, renewing, rebuilding.

This month I will say a final goodbye to the partner whom I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with. I will say farewell to Turkey -- at least for now -- where I've called home for the last 3+ years. And earlier this month I worked my final day at the paper, my employer for close to two years.

The last few weeks have pushed me right up against my emotional limits. I've had to face fears that I didn't previously realize even existed within me. And this process is certainly not over yet.

The person who emerges from this process -- who will she be? Will I be unrecognizable to myself, my current self? Admittedly all of these changes coming at me all at once are scaring the heck out of me. And at times I have to remind myself to just focus on the moment, just get through what is directly in front of me; otherwise the future just looms too large, as one giant question mark or an ocean of the murky unknown.

Tomorrow I leave for a brief trip to the States to celebrate a friend's wedding and spend some much-needed time with family. Time for a breather from this situation. Then back here for another few weeks, in which the court date for the divorce is scheduled.

And so, a reminder for the moment from Ray (Lamontagne):

Don't let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don't try
Don't let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely child
It's only time, it will go by
Don't look for love in faces, places
It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now


Mambinki said...

So good that right at this time you'll have a homecoming, to your PC family and your family-family! Hope it goes well, feels healing and peaceful so you can feel a bit rejuvinated and strong for your trip back to Turkey afterwards.

We never really know how strong we are until we're taken past where we thought our limits are.

Hang in there, keep blogging to let us know how its going. Wish I could see you at Mama's wedding, my best wishes go out to all of you!

Katie said...

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through a divorce. I, too, have walked down that road, right before I left for Argentina. Though it's hard while you're in the thick of things, hopefully you'll find peace and renewal in the opportunity to start fresh.