Monday, April 13, 2009

Shattered

Oh, the twisted irony. Only hours after writing that last post on Embracing diversity, I was faced with news that knocked me down. I don't know how you feel about the social networking site Facebook, but for me it had been a good way to stay in touch with my family and friends spread all around the planet.

And then on Friday night, it also became the herald of news that would rock my world. I received a message in which it was revealed to me that my husband has been cheating -- from the very woman he has been cheating with. I was working a late night at the paper, and of course, was simply blown away by this. In a matter of minutes we shot several messages back and forth. I further found that he had rented another flat across the city where they could engage in their liaison.

Then I headed out to the hall shaking in anger to confront him over the phone, as he was on a business trip in Italy. When I got a hold of him, he said he was coming back early -- that same night -- to "explain" what had happened.

The quickly alternating emotions I'm experiencing now have no comparison to anything else I've ever been through. The betrayal, I will never understand how he could take my love and stomp on it, take my trust and shatter it into a million little pieces. Now, I'm left questioning so many other instances, that in hindsight could have been... Where do the lies end and the truth begin?

The pain can be very physical at times. A visceral desolation, stabbing loneliness, a smashed heart. I am in turns punching pillows, crying through the night, resisting the urge to send hateful SMSs (and then not resisting).

For me, cheating is a giant deal breaker. It's the one thing that I will never negotiate on. It is the utmost disrespect. So I am now looking into Turkish divorce law and seeking an English-speaking attorney. My brother, who went through a similar experience with his first wife, has been my greatest supporter during this time, though he is across the ocean, even offering to drop everything and fly over here. Though I have a tendency to not reach out to people when I need them, I realize that this is a time when I'm going to need all the support I can get. So one by one I've been breaking the news to friends. And writing this also helps to push it further into my reality when I'm tempted to run the other way, deny that things have gone so very wrong.

To all those who have been in this position, I now have the utmost respect for you. For getting through this and somehow moving forward, making the huge mental, emotional shift. Embracing adversity.

5 comments:

Expat^Square said...

I am so sorry for your ordeal, Devi..

I do not personally know any English speaking divorce lawyer in Istanbul but another blogger (http://renaiinistanbul.blogspot.com/) I follow works at an international law office in Istanbul. Given the fact that she is Australian, I assume some of the lawyers in her office should be able to speak English. Try contacting her. Also, US Consulate should be able to provide you the names of English speaking lawyers in Istanbul. Call the embassy.

Good luck at your trip. Sounds like you really need to get away from all this for awhile.

Expat^Square

Keryn said...

Oh Devi, I hope you are holding up ok. Now is the time to take on those words you mentioned about adversity and knowing you are not alone in your darkest days. Although its hard to believe at times, people have been here before and survived. Renai is my sister and she works at a law firm in Istanbul. You should contact her if you need any advice. Her blog is mentioned in previous comment....Stay strong....

renai said...

Devi, I'm so sorry to hear about this terrible news. It must be a gut wrenching time and your emotions must feel like they are on an out of control rollercoaster ride. Reach out to your family and friends for help and support because they love you and will want to be there for you.

I may be able to offer some legal refferal or options, so please don't hesitate to contact me. My email address is on my blog.

Renai.

Mambinki said...

Ah crap! This is awful, I really feel for you, not only going through this but going through it so far away from home.

I am so, so sorry that this is happening.

I agree that this is the ultimate betrayal and also look at cheating as a deal breaker. This is why my wedding was called off 2 weeks before it was to take place years ago- I found out he'd cheated on me and I knew I couldn't marry him after doing something like that. It still makes me sick to my stomach when I think about it.

It is, however, good you know the truth now. It sounds like there were questions and doubts before this news surfaced. Now you know. Now it is in the open and you can start rebuilding your life. It will take a long time, but you'll come out of this stronger, wiser, happier and also, just not being married to someone who is sneaking around and betraying you.

Let me know if there's anything I can ever do to help. You are such an independent and intelligent woman- these are traits that will help you through this.

Adina said...

Hi,

My name is Adina, I may say something that you may not want to hear right now, but let me say that I am a nice person  I believe that you make a huge huge mistake – I believe that in life you have to fight for things that you want – things and persons, running away is not a solution, no solution at all. I know right now you may feel you have a big loss, or like a project that is yours just lost his way to success, and the person that was near you and you most trust it is someone else… but let me tell you that perfect relationship does not exist, really … and sometimes people lose their way, their believes, love … and you have to give theme a second chance, first of all because you in the fist place trusted in theme …

I don’t know if you understand what I want to tell you, but I do believe in second chances and from experience running away, or putting an end to this is not the solution. Perfect man does not exist, all the people around you may say – leave him you are young, beautiful, you have success but first you have to know exactly what you want, I am not saying that there is not another love for you out here in the world  I am just saying you should really think again, if the divorce is really what you want.

I do believe that the most important thing in ones life is to be happy – and always do what you want not what others believe is best.

So I am not a fake person :) I really do exist :) not far from Istanbul in Romania Bucharest. my email adress is tataru.adina@gmail.com

I wish you all the best and think things through.

A big hug from the sunny Bucharest :)
Adina