Shattered

Oh, the twisted irony. Only hours after writing that last post on Embracing diversity, I was faced with news that knocked me down. I don't know how you feel about the social networking site Facebook, but for me it had been a good way to stay in touch with my family and friends spread all around the planet.

And then on Friday night, it also became the herald of news that would rock my world. I received a message in which it was revealed to me that my husband has been cheating -- from the very woman he has been cheating with. I was working a late night at the paper, and of course, was simply blown away by this. In a matter of minutes we shot several messages back and forth. I further found that he had rented another flat across the city where they could engage in their liaison.

Then I headed out to the hall shaking in anger to confront him over the phone, as he was on a business trip in Italy. When I got a hold of him, he said he was coming back early -- that same night -- to "explain" what had happened.

The quickly alternating emotions I'm experiencing now have no comparison to anything else I've ever been through. The betrayal, I will never understand how he could take my love and stomp on it, take my trust and shatter it into a million little pieces. Now, I'm left questioning so many other instances, that in hindsight could have been... Where do the lies end and the truth begin?

The pain can be very physical at times. A visceral desolation, stabbing loneliness, a smashed heart. I am in turns punching pillows, crying through the night, resisting the urge to send hateful SMSs (and then not resisting).

For me, cheating is a giant deal breaker. It's the one thing that I will never negotiate on. It is the utmost disrespect. So I am now looking into Turkish divorce law and seeking an English-speaking attorney. My brother, who went through a similar experience with his first wife, has been my greatest supporter during this time, though he is across the ocean, even offering to drop everything and fly over here. Though I have a tendency to not reach out to people when I need them, I realize that this is a time when I'm going to need all the support I can get. So one by one I've been breaking the news to friends. And writing this also helps to push it further into my reality when I'm tempted to run the other way, deny that things have gone so very wrong.

To all those who have been in this position, I now have the utmost respect for you. For getting through this and somehow moving forward, making the huge mental, emotional shift. Embracing adversity.