Monday, May 12, 2008

Spiraling


I've faced periods of depression since I was a child, sometimes for months at a time. The peak, or what I'm hoping was the peak, was during my first 2 years at university at WWC. One particular quarter, I didn't have a roommate and thus my mind was left to its own devices. I would skip classes because I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. People would knock on my dorm room and I would pretend I wasn't there because I just couldn't face anyone. I would take long walks in the middle of the night contemplating ways to die.

Things improved through my twenties. I learned to recognize the beginning of a spiral and sometimes turn the tide before things descended further into darkness. I've never taken any of the wide array of "happy drugs" on the market, though I've considered it. I figure this is this mind I was given, and though it may not be flawlessly designed, I don't really want to alter it with chemicals if at all possible and perhaps become someone I no longer recognize.

So, that is the background of my more than melancholy disposition and here we are in the present, where Devi isn't doing so well. A wave of sadness is chasing me down, and I'm not sure how to get away this time. I wouldn't normally share this type of thing here, but perhaps that's part of my problem. Until my mid-twenties I wouldn't even share this with my closest friends, thus allowing it build, and getting so caught up in my own head that there seemed to be nothing else in existence.

3 comments:

'beni' ('me' in Turkish) said...

Devi, I regularly pop by your blog and was sad to see your post from today. Although, i must say it is nice to see your complete honesty on the subject as I am sure it wasn't easy to write about. I am sorry to hear that you have suffered from periods of depression from a young age. I have not experienced depression and can only imagine how hard a time you must have. What small advice I can offer/suggest is to turn to the people who know you most, Evren and your friends. Let them understand how you feel and accept their support and love. Also, writing about it can help too, I believe. You say here in your post that you wouldn't normally share this type of stuff but maybe putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) may help work through these tough times. Don't be afraid to seek out help, professional or otherwise and don't feel that you have to go it alone. Take care Devi and I hope things improve in the coming days.

Renai
Fellow Istanbul expat and blogger.

Ardent said...

Devi, I think it is extremely brave and wise to write about your current disposition.

I sincerely hope that this dark cloud passes quickly.

If you can not shake it off, be sure to seek professional help. Depression has become a very common ailment in the West, but fortunately help is available.

Kindest regards,

Ardent said...

How are your Devi?

Waiting for a new post.
:)